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Guilt July 18, 2014

We come across numerous people in different stages of our life. As life goes on, we keep on forgetting many names even though we find the face familiar. But there are few faces and names which you do not forget easily. Well, I do not think I will ever forget the names of two individuals whom I am going to mention in my story. No, they were not my best friends and we do not have the best of memories together. Nevertheless, they triggered a dialogue within me without having spoken a single word to me.

I had five friends in my group by the name Wangchu, Norbu, Dorji, Yeshi and Dhendup. Yeshi was the mike captain in our school and it was his responsibility to set the mike every morning during assembly and dissemble the equipment after the assembly. For that matter, he got the privilege over a store room where all the sound equipment were kept. Since the store room key was in Yeshis hand, we used to benefit a lot being his friends. Often we would bunk from our hostel to sleep in the store room because our hostel was infested with bed bugs and it was impossible to get proper sleep. In fact, we used to keep our blankets hidden in the store room during the day time.

One day, I brought a mobile phone in hostel even though we were not allowed to keep one as per the school policy. I kept it with Sangay, a classmate of mine in girl’s hostel along with my pocket money since I was careless and had a bad history of losing things. It was the December month and we were preparing for our board exam. One Sunday, I got the mobile from Sangay to speak with my Mom and after that few of my friends used it to speak to their loved ones too. Norbu was the last person to use the phone and by that time, phone gave a signal for low battery. So right after use, Norbu took the initiative to take the phone to the store room to charge it since there were sockets in the room.

The next day when I went to fetch the phone from the store room, it was gone. When I informed my friends regarding the missing phone, none of them had fetched it. Norbu told me that the store room was used by two of my hostel mates by the name Yad and Karma after him. So, they became our first suspect. Initially, I was not bothered about the lost phone but Norbu was stressed out and blamed himself since he was the last person use the phone. He told me that we should consult an oracle to find out the culprit. I had never believed in such phenomenon before but all my group friends convinced me that it works. Norbu somehow managed to get a phone from other friends and consulted the oracle via phone call. The oracle on the other side did not name the person but gave a description on the physique of the culprit. And the description fit perfectly with both Yad and Karma. So I accused the duo of theft and called them thief. However, they said that they have got nothing to do with my phone. We did not have any evidence against them except the oracles description. On top of that it was futile to take the matter to the school administration since it was against the school policy. I told them that we could settle it down within ourselves but they still denied. I kept on accusing them and they kept on repeating again and again that they did not take the phone. It reached a point where they even held my collar in frustration telling me I better stop accusing them. So we stopped arguing since the exam was near and the incident lost its urgency over time and I decided to forget it.

During the winter vacation that year, I got a call from Dawa, one of my classmates. He called me to inform about the lost phone. He saw my phone being used by one of the members of my own group. I asked him if he was sure and he replied with confidence that he would not mistake it since he also used the phone once. It was my friend Dhendup who stole the phone from the store room. I was appalled and sad to hear about that but not angry. For once, I wished that I had not known the truth from Dawa. There was a lot of things to worry about and questions were shooting in my brain. A humongous challenge awaited me because I would have to face Karma and Yad again in the new academic session. They were innocent. Every time, the incident crossed my mind, a sense of guilt began to envelop me. I was at home during vacation and got goosebumps when I thought about returning to school. I began to put myself in their shoes and a nostalgic feeling began to arise. I was taken really far down my memory lane and it was difficult to recollect everything.

I was a class three student in Damthang. Thursday was supposed to be games and sports day in our school. So we used to make the best use of this opportunity. One Thursday, I played table tennis in our class and left home after the time was up. Next day, our Class Teacher found out that four empty notebooks were missing inside the cupboard. Those days, notebooks used to be provided free of cost from the government. She summoned me in the front and told me to show me the books because I was in the class playing table tennis the day before. When I failed to show her the book, she called me a thief in front of my classmates. I told her repeatedly in my stammering voice that I did not take the books but she would not listen to me. I was blushing in front of my friends and my eyes were welling with tears because I had done nothing wrong. Later, my friends started calling me “Thief.” I was only a kid at the time but still then I knew I was embarrassed and hurt even though I was not mature enough to describe it as emotional trauma. Since, Yad and Karma were both adults, a question backfired me. How, the duo might have felt when I called them thief?

It was time for me to return to school and I had locked many things inside my head. Every time I was free I thought and sought solution to befriend the two innocent persons because we were not in speaking terms after the incident. I was back in my school. Dhendup had changed school. Karma and Yad was there but I could not face the two guys. There was an internal conflict inside me. I felt a combination of guilt and reluctance but the egoistic part in me would not let me look in their eyes and apologize even when I was wrong. It is a simple five letter word, “SORRY” yet it weighed like mountain to me. Anyway, I devised a plan to silence the guilt in me. I told most of my friends and even the classmates of Karma and Yad about how sorry and guilty I felt. The plan was to get the message across by using my friends as messengers. I even discussed the matter with Kinzom, their classmate and we planned something simple together. One day, I took some cash from Kinzom, went to her class where both Karma and Yad were present and handed them the money informing them Sangay told me to give it to them. So, that is how I managed to strike a conversation with the duo. We talked after that and became friends again. I never told them sorry but I was certain that they read the guilt in my eyes and knew I was sorry. Just in case, they missed the guilt in me, this story stands as a testament to my emotions. I am SORRY Yad and Karma.

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